The other day, i sat in my tiny bed, pondering the way people think. They say (whoever "they" is) that you are happiest when your environment and people you are around are cheerful. Well i've heard that a few times and noticed its not exactly true. i've been living in a very happy-go-lucky place for a while and each day i seem to be falling deeper into my nightmares. Just when i think i'll get out, i get a wave of desperation and dissapointment, and slide back down.
Now, i am a very optimistic person. People hardly ever see me upset. On the outside i hide it all very well, and on the inside i fool myself. It's gotten to the point where i dont truly know whether i'm content with my life or not. i cannot distinguish between my lies and the bold truth. I feel as though i need someone at all times or else i am alone. i am constantly looking for that prince charming, only to be dissapointed in the fact that there is no such thing. still, i have hope.
if there were no such thing as true love, i believe the world would end. there would be no happiness, no life without love. Though my years are young, i feel as though i am deeply missing out, as if my time for love will never come. But everyday when i see mothers kissing their babyies goodbye, or lovers sharing intimate secrets or the way a husband looks at his wife with complete adoration, it's a reminder that there is Love and soon i will experience that same feeling too. so i shall stay strong and hope, and suppress with all my power that feeling of being alone.
Infinity spins your core around
obliviousness can't be found
desire burns to no extent
reality is now unkempt
loose ends are bound restricting air
the thoughts unwound without a care
attempt to leave but can't deny
theres nothing left but you and i
-Emilia. sometime before the begining of summer
Friday, October 23, 2009
yesterday
going back to the phone call from kenley...
i called michelle and asked her about her cocaine usage.
first she denyed it, then said "oh well its only sometimes".
i knew she was lying.
she is spiraling downwards faster than ive seen anyone go before.
she used to just smoke weed, and drink. Then it was E, and now cocaine.
she's constantly getting in trouble with her parents and now she's trying to drag my other friends into it.
i told her straight up on the phone- "you need to cut it out".
i got hung up on.
She's the kind of person who doesn't give a crap about anyone but herself.
That's how i got in this middle-of-nowhere town.
I used to be very rebellious. i wouldnt come home when my parents asked, instead i'd go party and come home wasted. One night michelle decided we should all get out. well i was grounded and they all has excuses they told their parents so they could go. of course, she volunteered me to sneak out. so i did. only to be with this guy i liked.
well about an hour after i got out we started getting phone calls. My parents had realized i was gone and they were looking for me. they were threatening to call the cops unless i came home but i got scared. so being the idiot i was, i just didnt go. There were 6 of us all together, including me. we drove down the coast to this foresty town where we knew they'd never look for us, and ended up spending the night in a hollowed out tree. The guy i liked (lets call him douchfucker) and i went back to the car to hookup. i was really out of it and falling asleep. and he ended up pretty much raping me. it's not like i said no, but i was asleep, and if i'm not able to say yes, then he shouldnt have toutched me.
Later that morning we went home and the next week i was sent far away to goldhoe's land to live with my best friend. But it's not even that bad here.
i actually like it and im glad i'm away from her influences. i'm not saying it was all her fault, i made the decision in the end to sneak out and not go home. But ever since i had started hanging out with her, i started getting in trouble.
anyway,
I came back for about two months to visit some friends and i saw douchfucker on the beach. he was wasted and tried to hookup with me again. when i said no he screamed at me "you fucking tease!" and ran down the beach to my friend laurie. He shoved himself on her and started mouth-raping her, then stopped and ran away. that was the last time i saw him.
why are guys so lame?
they try so hard to get the girl and in the end they don't care about them at all. i think theres only one guy i trust out there. he's my best friend Jake.
snd i'm sure he would even try to get in my pants if i let him.
thats what all guys want, right?
well that was extremely long and all over the place. i know i didn't stick to one story like but i had alot to say in a short amount of time.
i'm off work today so i think i'm going to take a walk.
lots of love :)
i called michelle and asked her about her cocaine usage.
first she denyed it, then said "oh well its only sometimes".
i knew she was lying.
she is spiraling downwards faster than ive seen anyone go before.
she used to just smoke weed, and drink. Then it was E, and now cocaine.
she's constantly getting in trouble with her parents and now she's trying to drag my other friends into it.
i told her straight up on the phone- "you need to cut it out".
i got hung up on.
She's the kind of person who doesn't give a crap about anyone but herself.
That's how i got in this middle-of-nowhere town.
I used to be very rebellious. i wouldnt come home when my parents asked, instead i'd go party and come home wasted. One night michelle decided we should all get out. well i was grounded and they all has excuses they told their parents so they could go. of course, she volunteered me to sneak out. so i did. only to be with this guy i liked.
well about an hour after i got out we started getting phone calls. My parents had realized i was gone and they were looking for me. they were threatening to call the cops unless i came home but i got scared. so being the idiot i was, i just didnt go. There were 6 of us all together, including me. we drove down the coast to this foresty town where we knew they'd never look for us, and ended up spending the night in a hollowed out tree. The guy i liked (lets call him douchfucker) and i went back to the car to hookup. i was really out of it and falling asleep. and he ended up pretty much raping me. it's not like i said no, but i was asleep, and if i'm not able to say yes, then he shouldnt have toutched me.
Later that morning we went home and the next week i was sent far away to goldhoe's land to live with my best friend. But it's not even that bad here.
i actually like it and im glad i'm away from her influences. i'm not saying it was all her fault, i made the decision in the end to sneak out and not go home. But ever since i had started hanging out with her, i started getting in trouble.
anyway,
I came back for about two months to visit some friends and i saw douchfucker on the beach. he was wasted and tried to hookup with me again. when i said no he screamed at me "you fucking tease!" and ran down the beach to my friend laurie. He shoved himself on her and started mouth-raping her, then stopped and ran away. that was the last time i saw him.
why are guys so lame?
they try so hard to get the girl and in the end they don't care about them at all. i think theres only one guy i trust out there. he's my best friend Jake.
snd i'm sure he would even try to get in my pants if i let him.
thats what all guys want, right?
well that was extremely long and all over the place. i know i didn't stick to one story like but i had alot to say in a short amount of time.
i'm off work today so i think i'm going to take a walk.
lots of love :)
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